Are you that guy who comes army-style prepared for your festival weekender?
Are you that guy with the 60 litre backpack toppling over backwards because you stood up a bit too straight?
Are you that guy who brought 3 crates of alcohol and no food?
Or, are you that guy seen wondering around the campsite aimlessly, unsure where his tent is - or if you definitely brought one, with no possessions to your name and wearing the same pair of shorts for 3 days?
……..WE CAN HELP YOU.
Presuming you’re a real festival-goer and you’re going to camp in true style, you obviously need a tent. Whether you get one for yourself or sharing, you NEED somewhere away from the mud, to finally drop in your fragile state, after the night(s) of dancing. This is under the assumption that you will run out of energy at some point… Though, that may be questionable for some of you free spirits. Also, ideally thinking you probably want something to sleep in or under at least. That dirty hoodie you brought is not going to cover as much surface area as you think…
Sleeping bag / blanket ✔
Do you really want to be the one sitting on your jacket on the floor while everybody else is sitting like kings in their deck chairs, looking down on you as if you are their muddy peasant friend. Bring something, ANYTHING, that you can sit on, that gets you even a millimetre off the ground away from the brown slush.
FOOD & WATER
The worst thing that could happen is you have to peace out from the group because you’re so dehydrated you can barely stand up. You need water and fuel. You need energy so you can dance for 72 hours in a row. You don’t wanna be 12 hours in feeling weak and have to leave the party to crawl back to the tents so you can have one of your rice-cake bars. You might think that 9am pint doesn’t go well with a breakfast bar, but you’ll thank yourself later when you’re not curdling over in pain from the hunger. EAT. HYDRATE.
You don’t have to splash out on bringing a ton of bottled water that won’t fit in your suitcase anyway because of all the alcohol. Just bring one bottle, - empty even. Keep it as life support. You’ll need it to fill up from the taps when you’re lagging.
This can sometimes be a hard one for people. Do you go full out in fancy dress for 3 whole days, gleefully knowing that you look like the wild one who’s having the most fun? But, you’re secretly freezing to death because your knitted Coachella crop top and draughty hareem pants don’t keep even an inch of your body warm, or hurting because those bright green spandex hotpants your wore because you’re the ‘funny one’, have started chafing in very uncomfortable places.
…Or are you the practical one? While everyone’s drenched in the monsoon and desperately looking for shelter, you’re sitting there laughing, in your head to toe waterproof poncho, dancing around in the mud in your wellies with an umbrella in your pocket for added safety.
Clearly not everyone is a ‘wellies’ person, you need to find a really old, probably already dirty, pair of trainers/boots that you don’t mind giving a full on mud-makeover and potentially leaving them at the festival. If you’re way to classy to own a pair like this, then buy a pair of shoes under a fiver. No one really cares what shoes you’re wearing at a festival, let’s be honest!
Old shoes ✔
Some say a spot of glitter/face-paint can transform your whole outfit. I’ve heard, if you cover your face in one of these, no one’ll pay any attention to what you’re wearing and you’ll instantly be 10x more festival-ready than your bare-faced friends. Sorted.
A piece of advice. I think a few people might agree with me in this is that sleeping in a tent does not do good for your bodily scent, let alone partying all night long while alcohol intoxicated. BRING SPARE CLOTHES. So what? You can’t have a proper shower. At least you’ve got some clean clothes to mask the stench beneath and no one will ever know.
Fresh clothes ✔
Sure, you can easily skip through this section and claim to be too hippie to worry about washing. But, you WILL regret it. Do you really want to have the power to herd away crowds every time you wave your hands in the air and dance along to your favourite band (some may say yes, but COME ON)… Do you really want to know how many germs you are harbouring on your body from that haunting visit to the portaloos? WASH YOUR HANDS PEOPLE. Do I even have to say the obvious ones?
Hand Sanitiser ✔
Wet wipes will be your god-send. When you can't even bring yourself to queue up to the freezing tap to have a "shower" which, let's be honest, lasts about 2 seconds and you only end up getting your hair wet. You can avoid all that by being even MORE lazy. A little scrub from a wet-wipe and you're practically sanitised head-to-toe.
Wet Wipes ✔
What do you expect? A 3 day supply of toilet paper in those regularly cleaned portaloos and the handy refilled soap dispenser? HA. Maybe those festival organisers want you to experience the FULL experience, or maybe they just think its funny for us to live in squalor for 3 days. Whichever one it is.....
These are the bare essentials. If you only read this list then most likely, you will still end up crying out for some TLC at some point.
At least it’s a start.
All images from Pinterest